This is not the position you want to find yourself in during the relationship, as it will not only cause you a lot of frustration, but it will frustrate your partner as well.
Nor should you feel, in a manner, that you are being compared to his ex-wife, nor should you try to emulate her. He is interested in you for who you are, not who you can become - least of all his ex. Try not to get into lengthy conversations about the relationship he had with his ex.
This is a very good book if you are in a not so great situation.
One of the things I liked about the author is the honesty that ok, if you are dating a man who is not yet entangled from his previous relationship well guess what? You can 1) stay in the relationship 2) put the relationship on hold or 3) leave the relationship.
What we forget is that even if a person hasn’t just exited a relationship, aside from knowing our own boundaries (which can rule out certain things that we’ve already made a decision on in advance of), we cannot get all of the answers upfront or have someone tell us what ‘the ending’ will be.
Each situation is different but what you can say with a high degree of certainty is that someone who’s just fallen out of their marriage, who’s still in reconciliation negotiations, who’s still very influenced by their spouse, and who has been separated for a long time ‘just because’, is going to bring pain into your life.
We may be imagining all sorts of problems that may or may not exist or we’re rationalising our own boundaries, values, and even prior experiences of being in one of these situations (so knowing that we may struggle with the emotional consequences) and are thinking along the lines of, ‘Well…
I’m of a certain age so I need to prepare myself for turning a blind eye to any code amber / red actions and indications because people in this age group tend to be recently broken up / separated / divorced‘. There’s no easy answer to the question of what the ‘right time’ is for dating a separated or recently divorced person.
I get so many emails asking me about whether to date someone who is separated, recently divorced, or even fresh out of a breakup that I wanted to tackle this tricky subject.
We’re often scared (even if nothing has actually happened yet with a particular person) that we may be letting our last chance or even best chance saloon slip away.
Continually bringing us his ex will add stress to his life, forcing him to remember things he doesn't wish to. Some women doubt they are good enough, seeing herself and his ex as competitors. You are a person with your own beliefs, perspectives, and opinions, and those things are what attracted him to you.